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Wednesday, December 5th, 2001
11:48 pm
Ooohhh yeah! And Aaron got me those lil kiss kiss bears from Hallmark! They're SOOOOOOOOOO cute! hehe! Thank you *muahZ*!

current mood: mellow

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11:32 pm - one more
This is the last one I'll put in here and I won't bore y'all anymore. : )

The dark, sapphire night skies consume every hint of aura you call my soul; no reasons, no explanations, no answers. Me alone, here to sit and stare into the darkness that was created to instill within us peace of mind, quietness of heart. In it, God createda mysterious, unruly beauty which I cannot find. Here I am, one small being, a seperate entity, one from every otherliving, thriving part of all exsistance. I am torn, the wholeness, the completion of who I once was has fallen apart and only I can pick up the shattered components of me. I am engulfed in fear, uncertainty, and disallusion. My prayers echo through the vast emtiness. Can you hear them? My body is numb, save the stinging in my eyes. My eyes which have shed tears that fall like puddles of poison. Poison that sucks the life from everything around me. Poison that fills the nothingness around me. The flush in my cheeks is gone; it has faded with the happiness that has finally leaked from inside of me. I am hollow; only a shell. The shell that I now am and the spirit which once thrived inside it are in desperate search for each other. But I am torn, and they are lost because the dark sapphire of the night's sky has consumed me. No reason, no explanations, no answers. Just me, if I am really here, left to sit alone and stare into the darkness.

current mood: optimistic

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11:19 pm - Some stuff I've written
I was readin through my folder of writings and thought I'd share some. :)
Your warm, ragin hope
flows over
this lonely shell
splashing against my heart
softening my core to the idea of love
and I can't escape the whisper of your
through the trees;
my soul is on it's knees
Your faith in me expells itself through
my eyes disguising itself as tears
not of sadness but of fear.
Does your fantasy live in me?
Is my spirit clear and
can I unveil her to you
and not disappoint or will I fall
violently from the pedestal
you so gently lifted me unto?
Your heart's recesses beckon me
and I cannot turn or walk away
so here I stand; a naked soul in the light of day.
I climb down and lay myself at your feet
ready or not, I give myself to you
and look toward Heaven for a sign
I see you face in the stars
and it's done; as for my heart?
You'll forever have mine.


Soft, green grass...
I lie in it and stare into
the perfect blue sky.

I got his letter
the day before I moved
across the country.

He left
right after I said "I love you"
but he said
to all of my friends that he
couldn't go on without me.

current mood: contemplative

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11:10 pm - Happy Wednesday
I jus got home from bein out for Aaron's birthday. Ash, Ermin, Tammy, Theo, and Manny came out and we had the yummiest french silk pie!!! I think Aaron was surprised. I din tell him that they were gon be there. We put up a lil happy birthday banner and got a mylar balloon that said *happy birthday from the gang* . We had fun and he was happy. Beth was gonna come out but she's so sick and Seth was gonna come but he had to work. It woulda been cool if they were there :)
Hhhmm..Talked to Scott for awhile last night. It wasn't a real good night, but we got everything worked out and now we're better. He's the coolest.
My ears are feelin a lil better today FINALLY. I think these antibiotics might be working. And to that I say THANK GOD. I hope there's nothing else wrong besides just an infection. If I get that phat job w/PAR I'll have insurance and I can get it all figured out :)
Nothin else is goin on but the day's been pretty good. *smiles* I can't wait for Christmas.

current mood: content

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Tuesday, December 4th, 2001
3:47 am - waiting on perfect love
Here is your analysis:

You desire a love that will last forever. You are quite serious about finding this type of love, and that's why you think carefully about the men that you meet before deciding whether you could really love them. You don't just develop a crush on someone overnight: you look at a person's personality and other aspects of their life before deciding to form an attachment. If a guy doesn't meet your expectations, you would rather be alone. Your love has to be perfect. Be careful though; you could be missing out on some worthy relationships because your standards are so high.

~~~Oh, Really? So I'm probably missing out on some worthy relationships because my standards are TOO high? So that means that there are guys shittier than Bobby and Chris and (well y'all can remember some mistakes I made..lol) and I'm supposed to accept them? *hands on hips* I think NOT!. If I have to sit here alone until my "perfect love" comes along, so be it, whether he exsists or not. Hmph. *sits down and crosses arms*~~~

Aaron and I have been doin personality tests and quizzes all night in between BSin. It's now almost 4am. What is it with me NOT GOING TO BED? Geez. Oh well. It's been nice talkin w/him as usual :) And I did get to talk to Scott for awhile which was also lovely, as it usually is. And Scott- I didn't run out of stuff to say- I just forgot the things I was gonna tell ya before you actually called.

I guess thas it for tonight. Today was as good as I hoped it would be. : )

current mood: confused

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3:13 am

I'm a White's Tree Frog!

Also known as the Smiling Tree Frog or Dumpy Tree Frog due to the nature of its appearance, this frog is a very hardy creature and a favorite pet of amateur frog owners, although some pet owners complain that they are not active enough. These frogs love to eat, which can make them quite fat, hence their "dumpy" appearance. Unlike many frogs, these frogs do well with other frogs of their species and are fairly friendly. They like a warm and moderately humid habitat and eat larger insects like crickets, cockroaches, locusts, moths and beetles.

What kind of Frog are you?

LOL...thas kinda messed up. I DO love to eat, but do I appear *dumpy*?

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3:04 am

If I was a work of art, I would be Prehistoric Cave Art.

I am primal and mysterious. Somewhat removed from modern life, I have a powerful ability to evoke wonder and show a sensitivity to nature as well as talents beyond what most people think of me.

Which work of art would you be? The Art Test

*roars* Primal and mysterious...Like a tigress? *wink*

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Monday, December 3rd, 2001
5:02 pm - It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood
Well today's been a great day so far. It's only 4pm, but my mom and grandparents and I are speaking again. I also found some things that've been lost since I moved home AND sent a resume out for this GREAT job with PAR, Inc. (they publish psychological tests for schools, FBI, institutions, etc.) and the benefits are AWESOME!!! I'm going to go down there tomorrow and pretend I was *in the neighborhood* and make sure they got my resume. The pay isn't too bad either ;) I'm so excited I'd pee in my pants if I didn't have such great bladder control. Oh man, I hope I at least get an interview!!
Oh yeah- and I got 10 text msg's on my phone today. For whomever is doing this- I HAVE NO IDEA HOW TO CHECK THEM and no idea what they mean. It makes no sense when I try to read them on my phone. Maybe I'm just dumb. *shrugs* Either way, I don check em.
I'm in such a great mood! Whoo-hoo!

current mood: excited

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1:37 am
*You take me in...
no questions asked.
You strip away the ugliness
that surrounds me.
Are you an angel?
Am I already that gone?
I only hope that I don't
disappoint you...*

current mood: happy

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Sunday, December 2nd, 2001
11:33 pm - I'mma kick this journal's ass
So I can update my journal but can't read anyone else's and that makes me MAD. I've been trying to read em for a good half hour now, and if I have to RELOAD or REFRESH one more time, I'm gonna fall over and...well I don't know what I'm going to do, but it won't be nice!
Today was quite unproductive, just as most of my days are. I did go to Dede's for awhile tonight though and dyed her hair and played w/her doggie. That was fun. :) We talked a lot, too. She always makes me feel good about things.
Talked to Scott for a min. today. We probably won't talk again till tomorrow sometime. *falls onto the floor with withdrawals*
Hhhmmm-nothin else has happened and I don even know what's happenin w/anyone else because my computer and LJ are big peices of booty. Oh wellz. Guess I'll catch up with everyone lata. ;)

current mood: bored

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5:06 am - Taking some advice...
Alright. One day at a time...ha. It's not as easy as it sounds.

current mood: hopeful

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1:50 am - Anyone have any Pepto?
Well I don remember where left off, so I'll try to fill in everything I can remember. I went to the dr. yesterday and had to pay full price cuz I have no insurance. The dr. said I really needed to come back once I got some because he feels the need to check for TUMORS in my ears and sinuses. He thinks it's nuts that I've been this sick this long. So I'm on my fifth round of antibiotics. I'm taking Tequin now and for some reason they make me really nauseous. Ick. I felt alright earlier when I went out for dinner w/Ash and Kenny. I even ate a big ol salad and a chocolate something or other. Heh. It was delicious. But now I jus don feel right. I can not WAIT till I'm all da way better.
I also went earlier today and put in an app for part time/seasonal employment with Walgreens. If I have to work a crappy job over the holidays so I can have some money,it might as well somewhere where they have fun stuff! Makeup and hair dye and fun hair toys and regular toys and magazines and candy and soda and smelly body stuff! What if I didn't get hired? lol. I'm going to feel like such a big, fat loser. Hhhmmm-well hangin w/Ash n Kenny earlier was fun. We went to Rio Bravo then chilled at her house for awhile and she made me a bomb ass cd. Kenny's such a lil dawlface! It's so good to see Ash happy!
Mom still isn't speaking to me from that big rumble her, my grandparents, and I got into yesterday. Oh well. We need a break from each other. Sometimes she's so mean. I guess I am, too.
Haven't talked to Scott today but we talked again last night for what seemed like forever. We go through such a wide range of topics. I love how we never seem to run outta things to talk about.
Nothing else has really happened. I'm itchin to get our Christmas decorations up so I feel more holiday-y. I love the smell of Christmas trees and peppermint. And I love listening to Christmas music and drinkin egg nogg. Or watchin those old school 1969 claymation Christmas shows like Rudolph the rednosed reindeer and that old ass Frosty the Snowman cartoon. Ooh! And what about when *The Christmas Story* comes on!! Whoo hoo! I love these holidays. I've GOT to find a job so I can buy people fun presents and go out with my friends during this beautiful weather!
I'm in a lil better mood now that I got myself worked up about Christmas :) Sometimes, though, like earlier today, I have to look at myself in the mirror and scream *WTF is WRONG with you?* I think the strangest thoughts sometimes and worry about the weirdest things. I've been on such a rollercoaster of emotions with everyone. I just know that one day the men in the white outfits are going to come for me and lock me in a padded cell...

Haven't talked to Aaron all weekend. Get in touch w/me, boy! Didn't get to talk to Beth today either. I'm curious to see how her weekend went.

Anyway, it's 2am and I'm sleepy, thank goodness, so I'm off to bed. I hope everyone else's weekend went well.

current mood: confused

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Thursday, November 29th, 2001
2:58 pm
Ugh. I can never paste those hookers the right way. Am I an idiot or is my old school 1981 computer just cheap? I don even think it has the *paste* feature on here....

current mood: confused

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2:54 pm - my Cuuuzzin
You are 41-60% Ghetto.

You stick to your ghetto roots, but you dont' live in the hood. Fo Shizzle my Nizzle

Ummmmm.......I guess there IS some kind of connection between me and Snoop. heh. But for real, my ghetto roots?

current mood: giggly

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2:35 pm - Bin Laden's caves
So I had this dream last night that I was with Ashleigh and these guys, there were two of them, were trying to kill me. Not her, just me, because I defended that group *CREED* (I don remember the actual convo) and apparently that was a no-no. Well they were catching up to me so Ashleigh made me take like 6 Dramamine and said I just had to kill myself by overdosing on that, or let them slaughter me. So I took the pills and jumped off this bridge down into a big network of caves, like I imagine the ones that bin Laden is hiding in look like. I went into a corner to die (LOL) but I didn't and I heard the guys coming so I ran through all these mazes and found a whole area of caves that had bunkers built into them. Well I thought I was safe and ran into one of the bunker cave things and the two guys were in there. I hurried out and into the next one because I was afraid I didn't have much time to hide again and there was no place to hide in that next cave! So then I had to lie in the little bed thing under the covers (who knew there'd be blankets?) and pretend I was Snoop Dogg. That was after I braided my hair. Funny how I had time to braid my hair snoop style, but not find another damn cave to hide in. Anyway, the guys thought I really was Snoop Dogg, and I guess he was the boss. They didn't wanna wake him/me up, so they left and I woke up. Now that was one helluva strange dream. Other than being SERIOUSLY disoriented when I woke up, my morning's been good. *smiles*
Oh yes, and my grandparents DID talk to Cal Henderson himself this morning! I guess he's gonna try to hook me up w/a job workin for the Sheriff. That'd be soooooo phat!

current mood: amused

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2:42 am - Inspired :)
Well, let's see here. I just got off the phone a lil bit ago with Scott. That was quite fun. We were trying to think of every cartoon and some toys from back in the day. We talked about Picture Pages (and how we wanted that damn pen!), Fat Albert (the cartoon), The Wuzzles, Noozles, Shirt tails, Mun Chi Chi's, Today's Special, The Get-a-long Gang, The Elephant Show, Pinwheel, Heathcliff,Sweet Pickles, My Pet Monster, Popples, He Man and She Ra, and so on. That was pretty fun. BTW, Scott, it was Alanis Morissette. *smiles*
Now I need some help from the crowd on some that we couldn't remember the names to: There were a couple shows we saw in school back in the day, and this is for the 23, 24 and up kids out there. The rest of you aren't likely to remember.
There was this one cartoon that took place in Australia with this little girl named Dot and she was friends with this little kangaroo named Joey and they were scared of the wild Banshee when they were in the cave.
Then there was this other show with real people. It was educational and the main guy had brown curly hair and wore a skin colored body suit that stopped at his wrists and ankles and made it look like he had no skin. It just looked like his guts were showing. He taught crap about your body.
That's all I have to say about that for now. Hhmm-and Scott-you know what's up. Thanks for bein so cool. Our convos have been fun, funny, interesting, enlightening, encouraging, inspiring...you get the point. I know most of the stuff we talk about is dorky, but there are parts when we talk about things that you can't just talk to anyone about. Like I told you, I'm glad to have such a spiritual connection with you.
Hhhmmmm....I guess that's all for now. It's damn early/late and Miss Cleo's in the background and it's making me nauseous. I'm gonna go eat some more Luden's cough drops (just cuz they taste good) and try to go to sleep. I hope everyone has a great Thursday! It's good t.v. night! (Friends, temptation island 2, pop stars 2, Will and Grace, E.R.)

current mood: cheerful

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Tuesday, November 27th, 2001
3:02 pm
So last night, I just wanted to crawl into a hole and die. Or go to sleep and never wake up. Whichever one would take place more quickly. I was in such a bad mood. One of those were you feel like nothing's going to ever get better. Things felt hopeless. I felt misunderstood. I was mad and sad and had no idea what to do or say. I didn't even know what to think. I'd just seen a side of Bobby that I didn't know exsisted. I heard the way he talked about me to other people. Then I heard him talk to me in a way that was almost unreal. It was so hard. I haven't cried like I did last night in years. I haven't screamed like I did last night in years. Then he called back and apologized. I was too hurt to accept it. I told him we needed to end things then and there. He didn't want to let it go at that. Boo hoo. I was ready to let it go. I couldn't take anymore.
So then I was gonna update my live journal when I got a few IM's. I had three or four and so I never made it around to the journal. I did stay up until almost 5am though, talking to Scott and Beth who, seperately, were able to completely turn my mood around. They both let me talk about Bobby for awhile, and I got alot off my chest, but then we just started having fun. I literally laughed my ass off out loud (making my momma mad) at Scott last night. There were even a couple times I should've kept my own mouth shut. It was fun though. And Beth...well-she knows how that went. Ha. I think she's my long lost...something. *smiles* Anyway, I'm feeling a lot better today and I can't wait for all this to finally end. I'm glad to know that until it does, though, that there will always be places I can go for a smile. Gawd, that sounded cheesy. It's how I feel though. I'm so glad to have friends. Thanks Ash,Dee,Aaron,Beth, and Scott for being here for me through all this. *muahZ*

current mood: good

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Monday, November 26th, 2001
12:23 am - uuuuugggggghhhhhh
Well...I talked to Bobby last night. I wanted to die as soon as I heard him say hello. I tried to ask him what happened but he talked in circles saying that he ruined my life and that I needed to refocus. I asked him every question I could think of and screamed at him and told him that I loved him and sobbed until I could hardly catch my breath and my nose was running. He just kept telling me that he loved me and that he was sorry. He thought I wanted it to end that way. He said that he'd do anything for me. He said he'd leave everything behind for me. I rolled my eyes. If he'd leave everything behind for me, why'd he still there? Why were we on the phone instead of discussing this in person? I told him that I was tired of hearing him talk and tired of his lies and that nothing he said meant anything to me anymore. I couldn't possibly believe anything he said unless I actually saw him take some initiative and make something happen. Until then, he might as well pretend we never talked. He said he talked to his mom about moving down here. He said that everyday he's hoped that I'd call or send a letter or write an e-mail. I told him that I knew how that felt. He cried, too, but it's hard to tell over the phone what's really going through his head. I just don't want to get trapped into the same ol cycle again...him making promises and not being able to deliver the goods. I wanna see him step to the plate instead of talkin bout his game. Ugh. I just wanted to tell him that I was sorry, too, and that we could work it out. I wanted to forget all the bad feelings I've had about him and start over. I wanted to tell him that I've been miserable and that I still want him to come be with me. THere was so much that my heart wanted to say that my head wouldn't let me. I guess that's good tho. He asked me to call again. I told him the next move was his. I'm not doing shit but tryin to get over this. He said that he didn't want me to go but I just hung up. I need him to fix everything he's done here between me and Liz and me and Alex and me and Alex's parents. I need him to fix all of it because that part is far from over. He doesn't know tho that I let Liz listen to the part of the conversation where he told me that they were lying. Now she knows what's up whether he tells them the truth or not. I just wanted to die tho. I would have given anything in this entire world for him to have been here. I would have melted into his arms. I love him so much. I still feel that he loves me too. I hope he does the right thing. I hope he shows me that he'll do "anything" to make this work. I just want to be with him.

I went with Aaron to Dee's wedding today. It was really pretty and she looked gorgeous. There were very few young people there. I wish some of her old friends would have shown up. Aaron and I didn't know anyone. I think she had a good day though and I hope she enjoys the rest of her visit here before she goes back to Maryland as a married woman and starts the lil homemaker life :) Aaron and I had fun on the way home listenin to everything from Cam'ron to country. We sang the whole way home.

I have to start looking a little harder for a new job. I hope the county or city has some new openings. I've got to find good benefits so I can get my ears better!!! Besides, I wanna get a new car. I'm tired of my white trash mobile. ick.

Well I guess I'm off to bed now to replay the convo I had w/Bobby in my head over and over and over like I did last night.

current mood: drained

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Wednesday, November 21st, 2001
7:12 pm - Thanksgiving Eve
Today's been an ok day. A lot better than yesterday was. I've been missin dumb ass Bobby. I guess that's cuz of the holidays n stuff tho. It was really bad. I cried about it for the first time yesterday. *shrugs*

That party was ok. It was really good to see everyone. Lotsa people were there that I really missed. I don think I'll be going out regularly or anything, tho. I was still a little uncomfortable. I've also realized how very far away from that lifestyle I've grown.

I hope everyone has a great Thanksgiving. Mine's gonna be big and busy. This whole weekend is. *Smiles*

current mood: happy

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Thursday, November 15th, 2001
9:23 pm - tiiirreed
I'm so tired cuz I got such little sleep last night. Then I woke up with a migraine which wasn't good. I'd love to go to bed now, but I'm afraid I'll wake up at 4am and not be able to go back to bed. Sucks how it works like that.
Kinda excited now about going to this party Saturday. I haven't been out doin stuff like this in awhile. I've been out to Rain a couple times for booty shiot and Hedo a few times as well. Mainly I just hang at peoples' houses or at home. It'll be fun I hope. Old Skool faces in new skool places. I'm already a lil nervous. My cuz (Casey) is gonna come along so that should make me feel a lil better if Ashes is busy dancin or talkin to Kenny or whatever. I'm lookin forward to it tho.
I'm a lil sad today about Bobby. I'd done so well the past few days but I guess there will be some bad ones sometimes. Oh well. Hopefully, someday soon, he'll see. Ugh. I wish I didn't love him so much. It's always either bad boys or bad timing. Maybe it's bad luck altogether. Who knows. I'll tell ya this tho- I'm done for about the next 16 years. I think I'm gonna go straight to havin kids and skip the husband altogether. Not gonna have kids soon, but I do want them. A lot more than I want a mean boy around. *wrinkles nose*
FYI: those new milk and cereal bars are really good. I had the cinnimon toast crunch kind. mmmmm. Oh yeah. Aspirin free excedrin does not work. Not well anyway.
I read a great book the other night. It was the autobiography of a schizophrenic girl. At first I found it a little bit hard to follow, but once I got past the first chapter, I couldn't put it down. Now I'm readin somethin about the subconscious mind.
I talked to Aaron and Scott today and Beth the night before last. Pretty great convos :)
I guess I'll stop babbling now. Hope everyone has a great night!

current mood: exhausted

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